Pyro's Life: Letters Dissolving in Water (Gatsbys American Dream) </A>

Monday, March 27, 2006

Letters Dissolving in Water (Gatsbys American Dream)

NP-Bicycle Song
by Red Hot Chili Peppers

Red Hot Chili Peppers, I don't think I've stopped listening to 'By The Way' since I bought it. That CD's amazing...

Actually I lied, I took a break from By The Way to listen to 'Curtain Call' by Eminem. Weird? Very...

I found I actually like a lot of Eminem's stuff though, angry white boys rock. His writing actually is really good, which surprised me because I've always been 'anti-rap' but this was surprizingly pretty good. So, I'll eat a few of my words this time :).

God, life is interesting lately. My life consists of waking up at five thirty every fucking morning to go to Attendance School (...) and then go to school. It should be that way for the rest of the week. Pro's would be that I got into Jazz 1, and I'm auditioning for Jazz 2 this week *fingers crossed*. The time I'm not using to study, I use playing guitar and thinking about Amelia. I really can't shake her from my mind. The way things are now really are depressing, its like we've slowly fallen apart at the seams as far as our friendship goes. I remember nights talking to her till two or three in the morning, but now I am lucky to talk to her at least once a day. I'm probably too persistant in trying to get a hold of her; I leave at least three messages on her voice mail every damn day and i can't even tell you how many times I text her then wait by the phone. My heart tends to skip a beat when I hear my phone ring or 'kill the messenger' sounds when I get a text and then I feel like throwing that fucking piece of shit accross the room when its not her... Obsessed? Damn straight...

I don't know, I really did fuck over my own chances of making things work between us. The whole Meghan thing was constantly in the way of our relationship before and I can't even begin to describe how much I regret messing up the one shot we had at something amazing... I really do care about Meg and I love what we had, but when it came down to screwing Amelia over just to make her happy, thats when enough was enough.

I really can't even begin to describe how frustrating her jealousy was (Meg) towards Amelia. It really did drive me absolutely insane that I could barely talk to Amelia without her freaking out or being stupid about it.

That really is my one regret, I'm not one to have any regrets because I know that I learn from absolutely anything, but if I could take back the fucked up mess with Meg and have been happy with Amelia, I would in a heartbeat.

I don't know, I just really care about Amelia and I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do with myself. I really don't want to bother her, and I know telling her exactly how I feel isn't going to fix anything at all, and if anything, make her even more distant from me then she already is. I'm not willing to lose her.

So, I'll bite my tongue and hang around and pray for things to work out however they're supposed to. This really is eating me from inside out though, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. The relationship she's in now isn't really working quite perfectly, which really is sad; just because I wish at least she could be totally happy... But between multiple medical complications and other random messes its a little tricky. But sincerely, she really is an amazingly strong person. So she really can be happy in unperfect circumstances. Perfection isn't perfect, its what you let it be.

Somedays, perfection is the only thing that will ever be enough for me. I'm holding onto absolutely nothing it seems some days, but I don't mind. Because if there's a slight chance at all for better days with her, I'll wait for that. Because, what else can I do? When you've had a taste of something amazing, you don't want anything less than that. Dammit Amelia, why did you have to kiss me that saturday night when you came over :).

God, she's amazinng, I just wish I could be a part of her life again, because I really am alone right now. Writing and music are my methods of being able to bleed. Everyone else with their fucked up ideas about cutting or overdose when they're depressed should try this ;).

I hope things works out. Sorry for the F bombs, deal with it.



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