Five Months
NP- Do It For Me Now
by Angels And Airwaves
The following email was written to Meg. I promised her that I'd fill her in on my life, so its now two thirty AM and I'm keeping my promise.
Greetings from 12:30 in the morning, I've got another three hours or so before I'm going to consider going to bed, so I decided 'what the hell, i might as well fill her in right now'.
I'll try to make this the 'super condensed' version, with enough details to make sense. Hopefully it won't be terribly long.
I'm confiding a lot in you in this email, you'll probably know a lot of things that no one else does. I'm trying to pretend that I'm not talking to anyone specific so I can be a little more honest with myself. Maybe you should read this pretending that its not me who's talking.
I have a lot of things that I should apologize to you for, but at the same time, I'm not sorry for them at all... You'll definitely find them somewhere in this story.
If you let anyone read this email, send it to anyone, or somehow share with anyone what's in here. I just might kill you :).
November 15th, 2005, Scotti, Joey and I headed up to watch a movie with Amelia, Katelyn and some other people. I hadn't seen Amelia in two years, and didn't expect anything at all to happen.
See, the last thing I remembered about Amelia from when we had met two years ago was that she was absolutely beautiful, smart, sweet, and extremely kind to me. I always talked to Kimball about her when we shot pool and stuff ("Dude, i really need her number.", "Man, your cousin's cute" kind of things).
Ironically enough, Amelia called and invited us to see a movie with her (the night that Kimball was helping me sell wands), was the night you kissed Patrick (go figure). Random piece of knowledge that wasn't relevant. I still don't know why that never really bothered me...
Anyways, jump back to the movie. So; Kimball, Joey, and I show up. Amelia gives Joey and Kimball a big hug (I was on the phone with my mom). Then I got out of the car and saw her for the first time in two years. She looked amazing. She ran over and gave me a big hug and asked me how i'd been over the last little while and stuff and we talked a little. I played the part of the gentleman for the evening, making sure I'd open her door for her and stuff. I always tried to be close enough to her so we could talk and joke around with her or whatever.
I really didn't expect anything to happen. She was one of those girls who had absolutely everything going for her. Besides, I had a girlfriend and she was with a guy. She was the beautiful cheerleader kinda girl who seemed to live on a completely different planet from wherever the hell I was. Yet, she took multiple opportunities to talk to me, flirt with me, and tried to be close to me. I didn't quite understand why, but I didn't really care either.
So, we were watching The Last Samurai and her and I were totally being flirts with each other. Just joking around and teasing each other and stuff. Just being idiots and stuff, but it was a blast regardless.
She made the comment about her being four months pregnant because I was teasing her about wearing a maternity shirt. Ever since that night, we've kept the joke running and so, April 15th 2006 was her due date and she delivered two healthy children. Damian and Andrew :). So, any comments about Amelia being pregnant and stuff, thats where that originated from.
Geez, filling in holes left and right. Alright back to the story.
Anyways, neither her or I were really watching the movie, mostly adding our own commentary throughout the course of the whole thing. We were sitting really close to each other on the couch and stuff and I was doing what I do best, getting really really close to her face. Halfway asking for something to happen, but at the same time, not because I knew the consequences of what I was doing. She ended up going for the kiss, which I didn't try to stop at all.
I lied to you about a few things, the first was the fact that she really is a very good kisser; the second is that we ended up kissing way more than once.
I don't think Scotti noticed quite what was going on till the end of the movie when he turned around. Her and I were in the corner of the couch, making out, and he made some smart ass comment. I remember I couldn't help not laughing. God, I love Kimball.
Movie ended and we headed home. All I remember in the car ride was. 'oh shit, I'm so screwed...' and Joey's comments about how I'd 'fucked his chances' with Amelia. Scotti informed him that he didn't have a prayer with her and not to worry about it anyways :).
I knew I had to tell you, and soon. Before the news somehow got back to you before I had the chance to tell you. So, I decided (against my better judgement) to ruin your thanksgiving. I halfway prayed for a break. I knew that I loved you, but I really wanted to have a chance at something new. That was the first time I opened my eyes a little.
Life continued, I'd had Amelia's number in my phone for forever, but I'd never used it until after that night. I remember her and I spent nights up till 2 or 3 in the morning almost every night talking. We never, ever ran out of things to talk about (we still don't really, there's been maybe four occasions where we've been speechless). I remember I had this english project I had to finish, and she'd always keep me company on the phone. We really got to know each other over the thanksgiving break, hung out every chance we got. She was really an awesome friend, I thought we could tell each other anything.
She broke up with her boyfriend shortly after her and I had kissed. She told me she'd realized that he wasn't the kind of person she'd wanted to be with.
We'll jump around a lot over the course of five months, we'll sum up the month of December.
Her and I saw a lot of movies in December. I remember how much I hated it when you'd be upset if I hung out with her. I partially need to thank you for that though. Because I took every opportunity since then to hang out with her regardless of what you thought about. I realized that Amelia meant a lot to me, and it didn't matter what you wanted me to do. I was not willing to give up her friendship for you.
You and I got in countless arguments over Amelia. I can't tell you how badly I hated you attacking her. It was great to be able to justify her and I spending time together based on that. I loved being able to be with you, but I didn't love the countless problems that came with that.
I don't have many regrets; but one was getting Amelia involved in the endless loop of our drama. I guess it never really was my choice, but I hated her feeling like everything going wrong between us was her fault. She was always comparing herself to you, that you were some idealistic vision on a pedestal that she could never compare to.
I found myself slowly falling in love with her. Even though it had started off on more of a physical note then building a relationship first; her and I had something genuine, something sincere. I loved being able to have a friend like her.
I can't tell you how much I juggled being with you or not. I think I really was very afraid of leaving you for multiple reasons. I was so terrified of hurting you. I thought a lot that night about where I really wanted to be in life.
New Years Eve was the turning point for absolutely everything.
It was a night that Amelia and I had resolved to basically 'forget the world, lets live life for a night'. It was really nice to not have to care about anything for a few hours. Her, Katelyn and I really did have a lot of fun joking around and spending the whole evening just hanging out and having a blast. As a side note, thats probably one of the few times I've ever played twister with other people. I don't particularly love that game, but we made it fun. I beat both Katelyn and Amelia (both who are cheerleaders and should be way more flexible than I am) a few times.
Another lie, Amelia and I kissed at midnight.
I went home shortly after, stayed up till about five thirty the next morning thinking about what I should do. I knew a part of me really wanted to be with Amelia; but at the same time I was not about to jump into a relationship with her while I still was harboring feelings for you because I knew that wouldn't be a healthy way to start anything off.
Amelia and I talked a lot; we always had this idealistic vision of some point in time having a chance to be together. When everything would fall into place. I knew that her and I couldn't have that if I had any feelings for you at all. I knew I still loved you, and I knew I still wanted to be with you, but I was still torn.
Fast forward to the end of January; You and I had broken up because of a (cue drum roll) Amelia problem. I prematurely took this chance to try something with Amelia because I really did want things to work out between her and I. I just couldn't follow through with it because you still seemed to be in the back of my head. I felt absolutely terrible for it, but I broke things off with Amelia. God, I can't even tell you how many time's i've hurt that girl with 'chances to be together'. I've put her through hell and back; that she really hasn't deserved...
Fast forward to February; I had Valentines day plans with Amelia way before I had them with you. I felt really bad for kind of blowing her off, so I bought her roses and took them to her house around 11:30 at night :).
Through all the time you and I were together in February, she continued to hold on. I can't believe she held on for five months...
Jump to my date with Erin. Erin and I decided to go out for fun, neither one of us shooting for anything to happen between us. We had an absolute blast together, but neither one of us was shooting for a relationship, and no one quite understood that.
The day after Erin and I went out, I decided that I wanted to have Prom be as fun as that one date we had had the night before; completely drama free with no problems. Able to go out with a friend and have a good time, no strings attached.
Monday, I had everything set to ask her to prom waiting for her at her house till she came home after school. I couldn't tell you or anyone else that I was asking her because I didn't think that anyone else had the right to know before she did. I figured that my prom date had the right to know that I was asking her before the rest of the world had a chance to talk to each other.
I remember Monday when her and I had taken off to lunch to talk about a few different Josh issues she was having and by the time we'd gotten back; everyone assumed we were together. Unfortunately, among the people who thought Erin and I were going to end up together was Amelia.
So, you broke up with me because I was hiding the Erin thing from you and I decided to say 'what the hell, I don't have time to worry about this now. I'm leaving to the other side of the country in a day... It'll have to play out on its own.'.
In the time I was gone to Minnesota, Amelia had hooked up with Zach. After we broke up, and she had that slight glimmer of hope for something between her and I, she thought Erin and I were going to end up together, meaning that her only real option was to move on. I really wish she'd never assumed that Erin and I were going to end up together. I even told her that Erin and I wouldn't end up together... I wish she'd believed me...
I came back from Minnesota and Amelia had been sick. While I was in Minnesota, I hadn't heard anything about Amelia and Zach being together. She came over one saturday for a way short period of time and her and I ended up kissing. It was one of those extremely amazing kind of kisses. Absolutely everything fit into place and I knew exactly where I needed to be.
Then I found out about Zach...
Life has been a roller coaster since then. I've spent the last 40 days (wow, its only been forty days. Happy 40 day anniversary to me) just waiting. I didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone else because I wasn't willing to miss my chance to be with her again. I had missed it once, I was not about to miss another opportunity if it was ever to come again.
There's a lot of unclear things in the mix, like her intentions. Who says that if things ever end with Zach that her and I will end up together? She tells me that she loves me, but for two people to love each other isn't enough for them to be able to be together... life always is more complicated than that.
"Life's like a novel, with the end ripped out..."
To be continued as life goes on: Each day; a chapter. Each day turns absolutely everything I thought was true completely upside down. Each day contributes to if there will ever be an ending to this or not. Who knows if her and I will ever have our ideal chance to be together or not, only time will tell.
In the mean time, happiness is a choice. It's a state of mind. We're all responsible for our own happiness. Make the most of life, live for the moments. Never regret, and never look back.
-Shane
Nobody Drinks Alone
NP-Tonight I Wanna Cry
by Keith Urban
Just FYI, I'm still on my Red Hot Chili Peppers Kick (Dani California finally came out today, woot!). But, the genre branching out continues with Country; Rascal Flatts releaced their new CD today; as well as The Goo Goo Dolls who releaced their new single 'Stay With You'. Its just been a great day for music today.
Country, Funk, Rap, Metal, Jazz, Alternative, Emo, Electronic, Classic, good heavens, just missing a few ;)
So; right now I'm listening to Keith Urban, which is like 'what the hell...' kinda crazy for those of you who know me. I know I just made at least 12 of my girl friends fall in love with me, while a few of my guy friends are shaking their heads in disgust.
Anyways;
This week's been very interesting and slow at the same time. Issues with Meg press on like normal, yet the difference is that I simply choose not to really care anymore. Its too easy to let the bad things in life consume you, its so much easier to just be happy and focus on the things that are the most important to you. That doesn't mean worring about problems that can't be fixed and letting them consume your life. Sorry Megs.
I'm too lazy to recall the week; so I figure two days is ok.
Last night I finally finished writing 'Airplane Letters' (a song I've been working on). I had it down absolutely perfectly, so of course I couldn't go to bed. So, I took all my gear outside and recorded for about two hours. Finished the acoustic part entirely, and a very rough 3/4 of the vocal part (just recorded it to get an idea of what it should sound like, I'll redo vocals entirely later).
I was very wasted, so I ended up not going to school. I woke up around one and started recording some more. Amelia called me and we talked for a little bit (amazing huh, she called me!). Went to mutual, ect and came home.
After I got home, my mom asked me to find this Keith Urban song. After a half hour of searching; we finally found it. Then I decided to go to Walmart and buy Rascal Flatts new CD and 'Be Home' by Keith Urban. Yeah, I've lost my mind, but thats ok.
Talked to amelia till about twelve thirty tonight, now its around one and I think I'll try sleeping cause if I don't I'll be dead tomorrow. Much love to anyone who reads my blog.
-me
Letters Dissolving in Water (Gatsbys American Dream)
NP-Bicycle Song
by Red Hot Chili Peppers
Red Hot Chili Peppers, I don't think I've stopped listening to 'By The Way' since I bought it. That CD's amazing...
Actually I lied, I took a break from By The Way to listen to 'Curtain Call' by Eminem. Weird? Very...
I found I actually like a lot of Eminem's stuff though, angry white boys rock. His writing actually is really good, which surprised me because I've always been 'anti-rap' but this was surprizingly pretty good. So, I'll eat a few of my words this time :).
God, life is interesting lately. My life consists of waking up at five thirty every fucking morning to go to Attendance School (...) and then go to school. It should be that way for the rest of the week. Pro's would be that I got into Jazz 1, and I'm auditioning for Jazz 2 this week *fingers crossed*. The time I'm not using to study, I use playing guitar and thinking about Amelia. I really can't shake her from my mind. The way things are now really are depressing, its like we've slowly fallen apart at the seams as far as our friendship goes. I remember nights talking to her till two or three in the morning, but now I am lucky to talk to her at least once a day. I'm probably too persistant in trying to get a hold of her; I leave at least three messages on her voice mail every damn day and i can't even tell you how many times I text her then wait by the phone. My heart tends to skip a beat when I hear my phone ring or 'kill the messenger' sounds when I get a text and then I feel like throwing that fucking piece of shit accross the room when its not her... Obsessed? Damn straight...
I don't know, I really did fuck over my own chances of making things work between us. The whole Meghan thing was constantly in the way of our relationship before and I can't even begin to describe how much I regret messing up the one shot we had at something amazing... I really do care about Meg and I love what we had, but when it came down to screwing Amelia over just to make her happy, thats when enough was enough.
I really can't even begin to describe how frustrating her jealousy was (Meg) towards Amelia. It really did drive me absolutely insane that I could barely talk to Amelia without her freaking out or being stupid about it.
That really is my one regret, I'm not one to have any regrets because I know that I learn from absolutely anything, but if I could take back the fucked up mess with Meg and have been happy with Amelia, I would in a heartbeat.
I don't know, I just really care about Amelia and I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do with myself. I really don't want to bother her, and I know telling her exactly how I feel isn't going to fix anything at all, and if anything, make her even more distant from me then she already is. I'm not willing to lose her.
So, I'll bite my tongue and hang around and pray for things to work out however they're supposed to. This really is eating me from inside out though, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. The relationship she's in now isn't really working quite perfectly, which really is sad; just because I wish at least she could be totally happy... But between multiple medical complications and other random messes its a little tricky. But sincerely, she really is an amazingly strong person. So she really can be happy in unperfect circumstances. Perfection isn't perfect, its what you let it be.
Somedays, perfection is the only thing that will ever be enough for me. I'm holding onto absolutely nothing it seems some days, but I don't mind. Because if there's a slight chance at all for better days with her, I'll wait for that. Because, what else can I do? When you've had a taste of something amazing, you don't want anything less than that. Dammit Amelia, why did you have to kiss me that saturday night when you came over :).
God, she's amazinng, I just wish I could be a part of her life again, because I really am alone right now. Writing and music are my methods of being able to bleed. Everyone else with their fucked up ideas about cutting or overdose when they're depressed should try this ;).
I hope things works out. Sorry for the F bombs, deal with it.
-me
