Pyro's Life: Confused yet mellow </A>

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Confused yet mellow

NP- She Paints Me Blue
by Something Corporate

This gets to be one of my long deep kinda rants, just cause I'm way overdue for one :).

I'm kinda pissed, it's raining outside and my mom won't let me go sit out in the car. She doesn't really get what so significant about being in the car while it rains, but then thats a story in itself that I'd rather not worry about sharing right now.

Stories are made from events and what they mean to you, it isn't meant to be understood by everyone...

I'm really kinda just in general lost lately. I've never wanted to get away from everything as bad as I do right now. That old car is my one way out of this world, even for a moment. Everything's piling up on me. School is becomming tedious. I spend way too much time wokring on homework instead of doing something fun and productive.

And it's only going to get worse next year.

Next year, I'll be taking three honors classes and one AP class, meaning that I'm gonna be working my butt off...

Apart from the troubles of school, there's the rest of life. I feel friendless even though I know I shouldn't. I mean, I have lots of friends and people who I really care about... so I don't know why I feel this way.

I keep thinking of last year and how much better things were. Everyone wasn't so torn apart. Everyone still enjoyed each others company and had a good time together. And if a night was drama free, then it usually was even better. Jessie moving broke the ties between Jessie and Kara almost entirely, which I find somewhat ironic in a sence I guess. After Jessie left, no one really talkes to Katy anymore, I don't think I've seen Katy since October... Holding onto Jessie was definately a very very good thing for me to do. I'm glad that I still am able to talk to her on a somewhat regular basis and be able to be involved in her life still, even though no one else really is...

Kara's been the catalyst for all of us. After a while, everyone just gave up trying and realized it wasn't fun being her friend anymore and that some of the things she brought on herself she shouldn't have to worry about when she's only fifteen. Trying to grow up too fast is never a good thing, once youth it's gone, then it's gone forever. Not saying this is necessarily the case, yet it reminds me of some other things as well.

She really was my best friend and someone special to me, somewhere along the lines, that fell apart. I'm kinda sad that it did, but people change I guess. And we both definately did just that. I guess I just catch myself remembering the memories and good times we had. I know her for the person she is, not who she portrays.

I miss the person she really is...

Trish, Mariah, and I are a lot closer then we were even at the beginning of the year. We always end up hanging out and just generally having a good time. It's always nice to go out without any obligations and just have fun instead of worrying 'whats going to happen this time...'. Thanks to both of you for sticking around and putting up with me, I don't know how you do it.

Only two weeks till SoCo Trish ;)

Then there's Mitch, who has just generally been an extremely awesome guy to me. He's always cool to just hang out with whenever. Whatever lame activity we end up having to go to for church or whatever, we always keep it interesting somehow.

In short, thanks for keeping me entertained bro :).

David's an extremely loyal kid. He's stuck by me all through Jr. High and we've been friends the entire time. I don't have any problems with Dave ever, we just go out and have fun and help each other make it though school without dying of boredom. I'm looking forward to staying friends with him on and beyond High School.

I'm sure I missed someone
Anyways, I really don't understand any reason why I should feel alone or friendless because it makes absolutely no sence. I guess it's just being loved. I know this is going to sound cheesy as all get up, but I miss being with someone. Being able to love and be loved by someone. It's hard when you think you've found that person, only to be let down. I've looked for quite a while, I'm kinda picky. For all the chances I've had with whatever girl (you all know who you are). I haven't taken any of them just because it doesn't feel right to me. I thought Rachel could have been that 'right person', but unfortunately, I don't know if that will happen or not either.

Maybe I just seclude myself from the rest of the world and thats why I feel alone. Keep all my emotions bundled up inside me... that somehow makes sence to me. Maybe I should actually be more open, try a little harder in life...

Missed opportunities don't come back, and I think I've missed quite a few too many. I need to change that, and in general, change me. Cause I'm not happy with the person I am right now, and I don't know why. I'll have to fix somethings I guess, hopefully I'll be able to figure out what exactly that would be.

But as far as being alone, I'll just press on and try to figure out what to do next, cause thats all I can do...

Sorry for any of you I didn't dedicate a paragraph to and who are my friends... Mattie, Lindsey, Jessica (Anderson and Brauer, you've both helped me so much), Brent, Rachel, Bethany, Emmy, Allison, Carrie, Arin, Jared, Lonny, Ed, Kimball, and anyone else I missed.



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